We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
