did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
