She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Acid is not a monday night drug
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
