The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
