So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
