Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
