i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
