i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
