saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
