he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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