there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
