billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
