I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
