If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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