i wish my penis had a tongue
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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