someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
farters have to be the big spoon...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
