I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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