Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
