I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
