I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
