I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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