he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
sex in a hospital.. check
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
