u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
