I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I had to cum in my sink.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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