I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
