my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
