The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
