Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
