Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
