I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
