Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just want nice things and good sex
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
