I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
