I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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