A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
