nut hugger
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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