I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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