just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
