Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
