Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
