dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
