I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
