Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
