too bad you live with your parents still
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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