i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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