Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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