It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
