I wish I only lived at night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
