M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
