Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
