best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
