it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
